McDonald's Is Bringing Back The Hamburglar And They Also Completely Ruined The Hamburglar
Mashable – Bid farewell to the Hamburglar of your youth. Gone are his rounded cheeks and single tooth, replaced with…uh…this guy.
McDonald’s is bringing the Hamburglar back to network television for the first time since 2002, and clearly he’s spent the past 13 years slimming down at the gym and getting his life together. His new look, complete with a slick black trench coat and red leather high tops, is a far cry from the pudgy little red-headed criminal we remember.
And did we mention he’s a dad now?
“We felt it was time to debut a new look for the Hamburglar after he’s been out of the public eye all these years,” Joel Yashinsky, McDonald’s’ Vice President of U.S. Marketing said in a statement to Mashable. “He’s had some time to grow up a bit and has been busy raising a family in the suburbs and his look has evolved over time.”
I guess McDonald’s got all moist in the panties watching The King make his return cornering Floyd Mayweather during the Pacquiao fight (god that’s a real weird sentence huh) and decided they too needed to bring back a retired creepy mascot. But not like this, guys. This is the Hamburglar:
He’s a fat little weirdo whom Ronald and Grimace and crew were kind of friends with but also suspicious of because of his mass burger larceny. That’s the character and what makes it so timeless. Man wants burgers, man steals burgers and watches the whole world burn. He shouldn’t be a real human dude with some sort of Dark Knight backstory of stealing burgers to feed his family. And he also shouldn’t be this handsome. I don’t need my Hamburglar coming in hot with stock photo good looks. I want a real grimy salt of the Earth kind of mascot. Just a huge and unnecessary reinvention of one of obesity and diabetic comas’ finest mascots.
And since this is something I’m just discovering I’m passionate about, here are my top 5 fast food chain mascots. Note I grew up in NYC and spent some time in LA so if the Midwest has some jack of all trades talking octopus mascot slinging ground beef to fat families I can’t speak to its greatness:
5) Jack from Jack In The Box
Goes between straight man and snarky effortlessly, wears a suit, has relatively witty commercials. Plus Jack in the Box is the one fast food chain where if you roll in drunk or high you can find anything you could want on the menu. Tacos, cheese fries covered in bacon, burgers of all shapes and sizes and bomb ass shakes. Normally I wouldn’t attribute these things to a mascot but Jack’s character is the CEO so he gets the credit in my book.
4) The Hamburglar
Obviously covered enough at length here but I love the character and the basic premise: Our burgers are so fucking delicious that men will dedicate themselves to a life of crime around it. Simple and effective. And this criminal genius thinking no one’s going to notice the 4 foot tall fat dude with one tooth because he’s got a Lone Ranger mask and a hat on? Priceless.
3) Mayor McCheese
Honestly I can’t think of a damn thing Mayor McCheese has done and maybe it should have been a tougher cut to put him above Grimace, the Fry Kids, and the rest of the gang. But he’s a man with a hamburger for a head who’s risen to the rank of mayor of McDonaldland. That’s just impressive given that a significant portion of the population eats nothing but members of his family day in and day out. Now THAT is change you can believe in. Plus based on wardrobe he seems like a rich anthropomorphic hamburger so I bet he’s pretty generous on tax cuts.
2) The King
Just heater after heater with the commercials, a serviceable Halloween costume, even spawned a line of video games that I’m not ashamed (read: very ashamed) to say I went to Burger King multiple times to acquire. That’s staying power. I’d generally prefer to live in a burger democracy than a burger monarchy because Murica but there’s no denying it’s good to be the King.
1) THE BK KIDS’ CLUB
#squadgoals. I’m sorry but nothing will EVER top the genius of the Burger King Kids’ Club. The King is funnier, no doubt, but the BK Kids Club was perfect for its era. You’ve got Kid Vid, the leader of the crew, looking fresh as fuck with his virtual reality goggles like a boss. You’ve got the hot chick AND the sporty chick so girls aren’t left out. And then they were like “ah fuck it, let’s just stereotype the shit out of the rest of them” and churned out a black dude named Jaws, a Latino kid with visible grease in his hair named Lingo and a disabled kid cleverly named Wheels. Just a tour de force of a crew. Top it off with some nerd plus a dog in a helmet and shitloads of mind numbing nostalgia and there’s no choice for anyone but the BK Kids Club to be your fast food mascot champions.
PS Dead last is Ronald McDonald because he adds literally NOTHING to the McDonaldland gang and is also a clown and made me cry when he picked me up at a McDonald’s grand opening when I was a child because clowns are scary. Fuck that guy. The new shitty Hamburglar can win me over real fast by disemboweling him for kicks and shoving his innards into a Arch Deluxe.